What Lebaran means to me this year

Minal Aidin Wal Faidzin...

This is what we usually say after a whole month of fasting and then celebrating the end of it by saying sorry to everyone that we might hurt or accepting apologies to those who'd hurt us. Sometimes, it doesn't really work... Yeah, it doesn't work if we are mad at someone, then say sorry.. Then start hating them again. That totally does NOT work. God is watching, they all say...

Well, this year Lebaran did not take my side, at all. Irregular month of fasting, full of bad and good emotions (but mostly bad) and ending up having a fist before Lebaran. That's just great! And absolutely not proud of it.

Mistakes are made because we're human. When the fasting month arrives, we sometimes say sorry earlier so that people who hate us will try to forgive and make our fasting go smoothly. Yeah, right! Well, now I don't really believe that crap. But I do believe that God is watching us and He totally gives out signs of reminders or warnings. Tots!!

Forgive me God for I am a sinner and am trying to become a better person.. I guess, not really trying hard enough. Search within yourself, they say, while you are fasting, and then you'll meet the Lailatul Qadar, which is some kind of sign from God -feels like the world stops for few seconds and you feel the tranquility surrounding you-.. A very USEFUL sign. It also means you get an A+ on your hard work on fasting (pray, fast, hate free, positive thinking = not me this year! or ever)

Well, who can tell what God really thinks? All I know is that I got a pretty good lesson to learn for this year (and chose to ignore it) and am keeping it all to myself. I don't really want to feel this way again next year, so I'm keeping mum and get on with my life.

Lebaran to me this year felt like any other months.. I do want to try better next time, but I don't want to push it as I don't want to feel like a failure.

Have mercy on me.. I'm just a regular sinner from Earth.

The Story Behind Phoenix

The title truly represents my interest in this band since I was still in college.

It was between 1999 and 2000 when I first saw a video clip in MCM Channel -a french music channel- broadcasted through my parents' satellite dish. At the time, we decided not to extend our subscription with Kabelvision as the dish showed more channels than the regular cable. Anyway, I came about this video that showed people in the outdoor at night, cheering for some kind of a car race. The song had the outmost unique beat I've ever heard of and it caught my attention in a very.. serious.. way. Why? Because that's when all the obsession for the song began.

I honestly didn't know what the song was called and who sang it, all I know I was CRAZY for this song and had to hear it again and again. Whenever it came out on MCM, I would usually caught it just when it is about to finish so I was always p****d off as I couldn't enjoy the whole tune. What I could do was to sing the short chorus, "If I ever feel better...", and knowing just that frustrated me a bit.
Well, it's not that I didn't get on with my life, I did, but in the meantime, deep inside me, I was 'craving' for that song. None of the radio stations at the time broadcasted the song and it wasn't even on MTV nor Channel V. Ok, so I thought maybe nobody knows them in Asia... And so I went on with my boring life.

In 2003, I came back from Hanoi after living there for two and a half years. Hanoi did not have a lot of radio stations and even if they do, only two or three are on and none played modern tunes. We had cable in our home and have all sorts of channels HBO to MTV but never heard the song in any of those channels, not even TV5, the international french channel. I did forget for awhile and was replaced by my all time favorite duo called Daft Punk. They totally dominated my life in Hanoi, and so were DEWA and The Strokes. I never thought I would hear "If I ever feel better" ever again.

Then... Somehow I heard that song again. It was as if it resurrected from the grave and I was all ears again. It played sometimes in 2004-2005 on the radio stations in Jakarta, but was not played very often. I was glad it did came out at all alive and breathing, and this time no doubt the Jakartans know this band by now.
I tried to catch the radio host say their names or title of the song but was never successful. Then one day... I heard the title being said, "If I Ever Feel Better". Great! Just as I thought it would be. Then I needed to know the band's name but it got a bit confusing as the different radio DJs had this idea of pronouncing it differently everytime they mentioned their names. Sometimes it would be 'Finik', some said 'Phonics' and others said 'Finix'... Ok, the last one should've been easier to guess. It did get to me after a couple of thoughts (Adoy!).... So the band name is..... PHOENIX. Aaaahhh.... Finally!

Did it stop there? Hell, no! I went cassette and CD searching for their album but most stores only sold the 'Alphabetical' album, not the 'United' album that I was dying looking for it. I was 'desperado' as I went looking through all the cassette stores in South Jakarta. The only answer they could give me (or excuses) were, "Sorry, it sold out" a.k.a "I don't understand you" or "Oh, they moved to another record label" a.k.a "Can't help you, the album is gone" a.k.a "I don't know who the h*** are you talking about".
Then I did found the 'United' album in Aksara and dang it! T'was darn expensive for my wally. I mean, at the time, I only knew one song. So, what do I have to do? Buy and regret or not buying and wait til I get the pirated one? (Ok, the last part I'm sooo kidding :P). Anyhu, I decided to wait till I get a chance to buy the Greatest Hits album, although I was a bit skeptical that they would make one so soon.

2009. My dear friend Angie forwarded me an email -which I failed to check it sooner because I wasn't online very often at the time. The mail read: Phoenix, live in Jakarta, August 1st 2009, Bengkel Nitepark, Jakarta. Get Early Bird Tickets before (I think) the 25th of June, in which I read 2 days after the end of the early bird ticket sale. Then..... I freakin screammmeeeeDD! Immediately I tried to find out about the tix and even though I did hesitate before buying the tickets (since then, the bombing happened), I finally purchased one and got me a fellow avid fan of Phoenix to go to together... Love it :) Thanks Daisy!!
By this year, I've come to learn more of their songs like "Too Young" -another favorite song of mine from the 'United' album- and 'Liztomania', which I discovered in YouTube while searching for their other songs (I'm such a late bloomer!).
What I didn't expect was that I've encountered the band and met with the vocalist and took pictures with him, to then finally watching them perform live. Wow!! Very impressed with Phoenix. They were humble and very talented. I really felt the joy and happiness watching them live... Genuinely, I love them.

So behind all this stories -that is darn long- I would like to say, "Enjoy what you can best enjoy; let yourself go and see where it takes you". Phoenix had me at 2009 (and so did Jamiroquai :)). Je T'aime, Phoenix! Merci Beaucoup!

Michael Jackson R.I.P 1958-2009

Michael Jackson... I would like to thank my Dad for introducing me to Michael. When we came back from Canada, Dad recorded lots of videos (in Beta format at the time) for good memories sake. One video that intrigued me the most was the clip of "We Are the World". I loved how the song was sung by so many people, which, I was definitely sure were sung by lots of famous artists ( I was 4 years old at this time) and Michael was the one that made my eyes bulged more because of his glove and his famous 'sparkly' tux. I don't remember if I loved him right away.

1985 we arrived in Rome, Italy. I know that Italy made me fall in love with him for the first time and it came out gradually.. in 1988. I remember getting a 3x4 mirror framed with a picture of him from the BAD cover album. I worshiped that frame like crazy. I had it on my wall, took it, kissed it, putting it back, taking it again the next day, looking at it, daydreaming I will one day meet him, kissed it again and then go to bed. It became a daily routine for awhile.. That year Michael came to Rome to have the BAD World Tour concert and I didn't go because, adoy! I was only 7 years old and the concert is for grown ups. I felt shut down by my own idol, but I knew I was too little to watch him. My parents -who knew how much I love MJ- gave me a pin, a shirt and a poster of him, all of it were cover of the BAD album. I think I fell for him because of his sharp eyes and curly hair with the cool pose wearing that black leather jacket of his.
I dragged my best friend, Giulia, to watch 'Moonwalker' with me and Dad in 1989 at the theater in Rome. Now, mind you all, this era was the the time when MJ and Madonna were worshiped like gods in Italy and so imagine the chaos and craziness when we all watched the movie together. The girls kept on screaming "Michael!!!!" whenever he's onscreen -which is, like, every second!-, or just shouting nonsense, hysterically. Some even had to be taken outside coz they were too hysterical and had to throw up and some even fainted! True Story. That was the MJ fever, everybody.

1992. The year that I graduated from 6th grade. At the school farewell, Prita, Novi, Ayesha and I danced to the song 'Remember the Time'. Yeah, we rocked! Some moves I could still remember, especially watching the clips being played on TV over and over again after his death. I had this crazy idea at one point to commemorate him by dancing to it again... Whaddya think gals?? Hehehe... (It was just a thought). One other thing I remember, is the design of our dancing uniforms. Prit, I still HAVE IT!! Hahaha.... ;)

1993. MJ came to do a concert in Bangkok, Thailand!! Yeeiyy, so excited! I finally get to see him coz I was already 12 and eligible to go to the concert with a grown up, which I did went with two siblings, mas Indra and mbak Hani. They both worked for the Indonesian Embassy at the time and are half Thai-Indonesian. Wonder where they are right now, hmmm... Anyway, they took me to the concert, had my ticket ready -looked like a grey credit card, really cool- cost like 1000baht and went inside the stadium. At this time, I had no clue how standing in festival would look like (went to a Kenny G concert previously and sat in tribune, safely) and just when he was about to start... People started to push!! and I was physically thrown down to the ground and almost got stomped by those crazy fans. I couldn't breath and then ... I left the stadium. Yup, I did not get to see MJ after all. The two siblings did though. They stayed, and my parents picked me up and we went home. I was sooo very sad :(( Not long after that concert, MJ was accused of those mean molestation accusation by this boy, who is actually around my age -gee, man! how do you feel now that MJ's gone?- and I was devastated, angry and confused. What is 'molestation'? What the hell is going on? Anyway, I kept supporting him throughout those long years of bad critics and publicity until he married Lisa-Marie Presley and made that infamous video called 'Scream'. From then on, I gradually forget.... and grew up listening to Babylon Zoo and Spice Girls (with tons of other Brit Bands that followed after).
1997. MJ is back in Bangkok and this time, I get to see his full performance on my nice seat with other kids from the Indonesian School of Bangkok. So glad I finally saw him.

Thursday, 25 June 2009, 2.26pm, LA time. MJ is gone...Forever. I woke up on Friday at around 8.20am and mom came into my room, saying 'Did you know that Michael Jackson is dead?', and I replied, 'What? Farrah Fawcett just died several hours ago!". I came out from the room and saw CNN with the Breaking News. I was actually online till 2 a.m in the morning before, and found about Farrah. That was just 5 hours before MJ was found not breathing at his home.
It took about 30minutes to sunk in that Michael is really..really.. gone. I was still saying, 'Poor Farrah! Her death is being overshadowed by Michael's death!' to my parents... Then tears just poured down while Larry King is talking on TV. Until now, I still feel it's surreal. I can't believe Michael is gone, and yet is true. I will truly remember him as a true inspiration and influence on my life, honestly, I do think he's the one that made me love music this much. His powerful performances on each video clips, concerts, albums.. You know his life was Music. He breathed Music. He lived Music. He died making more Music. I love you Michael Jackson... Thank you for being a part of my life.

Bexie
Thursday, July 2, 2009.
ended writing at 11.41pm

Restaurants that I would like to visit on my Holidays

-Sakura Japanese Restaurant, TB Simatupang
-Paregu/Hanamasa, Pondok Indah
-Lang Viet, Grand Wijaya Center
-Canteen, Aksara Pacific Place
-Social House, Grand Indonesia
-Brasas Steak House, Pacific Place
-Satoo, Shangrila Hotel
-Restoran Pelangi, Jl.Sabang


This is all I can remember right now... At least once a week I would like to visit a new resto. Will be adding more restaurants when I do remember.

Tour de Cuisine here I come!!!!

...

Wow... I truly do have insomnia.
Actually, I have been damn sleepy since 10pm but wanted to download a movie that's starring one of the hot young actors right now. Yup... I ain't telling coz' (and I quote) 'They're going to laugh at you' (by people who laughed at Carrie)

Anyway, I just wanted to drop by and pour in some thoughts of mine. I really need the sleep and right now is 1.28am Jakarta time.

Go to sleep, Biyatch!!

I am definitely obsessed! (or possessed!)

God, why can't I stop thinking about him?
I really think about him every single minute of the day! Not only I'm thinking about him, but I'm also imagining how it would feel like to be married to him!!

ARRRGGHHHH!!! I am OBSESSED!! Dang it, it's high school all over again (Or college..which ever).

I can't believe this.. I truly can't. This is because I don't hangout much or socialize a lot, isn't it? I'm such a dork, even after all this time, I still can't take things at ease.

Dude, RELAX! Chill!! Back off will ya? You totally need to hangout more >>>> Inner feelings.

My coz finally got married today. Yup. He's married and know what? I'm now officially the only one that hasn't married yet from all my cousins. DANG IT! DAAANG ITT!!! Damn you coz, why can't you wait for me??

Hehehe... Of course, if he waited for me, he would be waiting a whole lifetime til I do it first.
Ok, so back with my obsession of the other him... *sigh*... He doesn't even remember me anymore!! Hell yeah, I've only met him once, did not impress him a lot as he called me 'mbak', talked for like 5 minutes, and then that's it!
I wished he remembers me though, but I doubt it. Then, I browsed pictures in FB and even though I've seen it a hundred times, and knowing he's got a girlfriend, I still freaking wished he's miiinee... !!

Mondo crudele...Perche la vita confonde??

Tiket Band

This is my story on how I came to like this band called Tiket.

One day, early in the morning when I usually come out from the bedroom, I sat on the sofa, changed the tv channel and lie down while still changing the channel. Suddenly, I stopped in this one particular channel -RCTI, well not that particular, it's been there for a decade now- and saw this guy singing unplugged with his band members. He wore like a green jacket, sat down on a high stool while his hands are gripping the mike and the pole, smiling to the audience, singing soo .. enchantingly.

I thought, "Hmm.. This guy's quite ok. He sings well, looks cute... But is he really THAT good?". I like to criticize everything on my head. From judging people, cursing assholes to being totally crazy about something or someone. Well folks, he made my eyes suddenly sooo wide and clear.
Why is that? Well, here is my explanation. When I saw him, I thought, "Hah, he looks cute but can he really sing?". (pausing to see) Then I thought again, "Oh, ok. He can really sing, but does he have a stage presence?" (listened quitely while judging him in my head) I was mesmerized. "Good gracious! Not only he has the audience hypnotized with his sweet smile, but he was also able to make me watch him-ok, understand that I don't really like Indonesian music shows unless Maia's performing- from beginning to end. I was thinking, "Who is this guy?? Who are these people?? What's the name of the group??"... And so it began the magical world of 'Love at first sight'.

I haven't had that eager feeling of knowing anything for a long time, let alone an indonesian band completely unknown to me, ever.. At all! But that day changed my life completely. Haha..Ok, I tend to over exaggerate words. Obviously, the only person making me completely ga-ga is the vocalist. I don't think I knew his name back then, but of course, with the magic of internet power, I was able to google them down and found out that they are called...*inhale*...Tiket Band. The vocalist? His name is... *inhale again*...Christian Bhaskara.

Honestly, I don't remember how I ended up adding the bassist, mas Opet Alatas, on Friendster and Facebook, but I surely thought this is great! I got myself a friend from a band! Of course, the only reason why I did that, is because I tried so hard to know more of Christian, and it kinda led me to be friends with Mas Opet and his cousin in Facebook. Oh, Bex! What have you become....!

When I had my Christmas-Nu Year Holiday, I wanted to at least see the band live once, but the time never gave. I was totally smitten, overjoyed whenever Tiket performed on TV, made me more excited and eager to meet my prince charming (yes, with the right outfit just like in Cinderella, he does look like a prince!).
The head and guts started churning, longing to see mas Opet and Christian in person, but there was never a chance. I was too busy hanging out with my friends (of course! Isn't that what normal people will do?) and watching late nite movies along with browsing the net. Life was great.. But not that great. A bit geeky that is...

Three more days to go and it was back to school time, but I needed a last time hangout with my bud, Angie, and so we went to PP for lunch at Urban Kitchen. Angie ordered an american fast food and I ordered sushi wait.. Is this really important? Nahh... Ok, back to the story.
Angie and I were both talking, it was about anything of everything (totally not making sense, moving on!)and then I mentioned about liking my dearest. Well, actually at the time, I kinda found out from his Friendster (yeah, yeah.. I added him and read few(all) of his friends' comments on him) that he's gay (!!! I know right??)and I was shocked and felt really down. I curhatted to Angie (oh yeah, more nonsense words, just what I need after midnite-coz I'm writing at 12.30am rite now-) and began making statements on liking gay guys. Thankfully I'm not the only one as Angie likes Rufus Wainwright and he's soo totally gay, so I was not alone in this.
I explained to her that these people started making comments about how they've had relationships with him or saying dirty funny jokes, implying to what gay guys usually like to do. Eyeew...!! Not THAT!!! Just things that you'd understand if someone's talking about gay guys. She said that we just need to learn to accept that all good things can never appear perfect, there must be some flaws in it.
After our chit chat we started making jokes about being in love with gay guys. How if we come over to his house we should not forget to knock otherwise his 'boyfriend' won't have time to runaway.. Basically, I wanted to make myself feel better, and thankfully, Angie was there to add more histerical jokes about the issue.
We walked out the restaurant and we started singing about it, making up words to be sung until we came down and went to the car. Suddenly, I felt like a light turned on in my head and said, "Angie, I'm going to write lyrics of a song about gay boyfriends and will send the words to you tonite". I was sooo into it, I couldn't wait to write something so bad. The longing to write appeared after oh so long.

That night, I made 4 songs. All in english. I was proud of myself. Text Angie my first finished short song and then started to make more and more, until it was already way passed over my bedtime (which reminds me, DAMN it!! It's 12.42am right now and I'm still awake! I've got school in a couple of hours!!)

Isn't it funny how a guy can make your world go completely ballistic? I thank Christian Bhaskara for giving me mixed up thoughts about you, not knowing for sure wether you're gay, married, or just plain mysterious. That feeling somehow turned something on in me and until now I'm able to write songs I can't even imagine writing about. Well, I could actually, coz it's all about love. Oh my.

Anyway, I don't think Christian's gay though, but I will tell you why I know this later. So weeks has passed since that day and I've met a couple of guys that came into my life..and out. They were just passersby, so no feelings whatsoever. One guy was this indo dude that lives in Nippon country and the other guy's half indo-aussie-rapper-teacher that I met at my cousin's place. He's cute but I do have the feeling he has a girlfriend..So is the Nippon guy *phew*.
Because I briefly knew this rapper dude and wanted to know more about his music, I checked his Facebook one day and saw his status update saying, 'please listen to this band playing featuring him as the rapper on *beep *Radio'. Ok, cool. So I made myself a note about his announcement, and waited till the day comes.

While waiting until him and his band performed live on radio, I heard the commercial. At first, I wasn't paying attention, well, it's not important coz I rarely listen to that radio. Wrong. My ears heard 'Hanya Kamu yang Bisa' playing in the background while the announcer was talking and I was listening, attentively.
The announcement was, 'In conjunction with the Anniversary of Plaza Semanggi, Tiket and Maliq will be playing there on the dates stated.' Oh shiyat! I can't believe I heard that!! I immediately noted that on my calendar and couldn't stop smiling. Yes! I can finally meet Tiket!!

Wow. When am I going to get to the point??

Ok, so long story short, I went to see Tiket Band in Plaza Semanggi. I came 1hour early and waited in the shoe section, coz the stage is honestly right beside the shoe section. Ahh...Tiket came out and I saw Christian. Well, I wasn't hysterical or anything, I was more observing and absorbing my vision in seeing him. Haha.. I still couldn't believe I went there!
The only embarrassing part when I went to see them, is when the Radio Assess were asking the audience about who owned Tiket Album. Being honest and naive, I raised my hand, not thinking that they would call me up the stage to ask me a trivia question about the band. Holy Shit. I went ga-ga-ga when they asked me about Tiket's titled album. I was not thinking straight, so I just answered 'Repackaged' which is true, coz their new CD has that word mention. Haha.. Im not stoopid, you Radio jerks!! Why am I dissing them? Well, that's because they made fun of my english. They don't know how hard it is to be nervous when your favorite person is right in front of you. If I'd knew who they feel nervous about, I'd shove that person right in their faces!

When I came back down the stage, they performed. Suddenly, someone's tapping me on the shoulder, and looked back, I saw Sarah. Dear Sarah who is also that radio's Dj.. Sarah... Who could actually help me out getting closer to Christian!!!
She called up her friend from behind the stage asking her if I could get a chance to take pictures with Tiket. Amazing. And just like that, I was introduced to Christian.
Talked to him and then mas Opet was somewhere in the back and I was waiving at him, madly, thinking,'What in the world? I don't even know the guy!'. In bahasa indonesia, my mind was like, 'Sok akrab loe!' and went up to mas Opet. He's soo nice, really what I've imagined he would be like. He and Christian were the only one that looked friendly, but maybe it's because those are the only two people I wanted to see and the rest of the members could sense my ignorance. Pardon me if I looked like I wasn't paying attention. Actually, I would have loved to meet the drummer and the guitarist, but they chose not be near me, so whatever.
Didn't forget to take a few pictures with Christian dearest, but totally forgot to take pictures with mas Opet!! hehe... I hope he understand that I was in a state of reality and dreaming.
Let's not forget that I did mess up answering the question and so I apologized to Christian that I completely forgot the title of the album, not because I don't know it but because I was so damn nervous. Cute and kind as he is of course, Christian understood completely. *siiiiggghhh....*

Well, that is my story on how I met my favorite band, Tiket. I do like their songs mind you, it's not just about Christian or it's not all about Mas Opet. I really admire this band because they choose to be a down to earth band with no attitude in their back and is able to become their true self. Unlike some indo bands that are just sooo.. lame and too contaminated with publicity. But not Tiket. They're the best.

Oh yeah, I mentioned about why I know that Christian is not gay? Well, I'm guessing he's got a girlfriend already, someone who's been in his life for awhile, and that's why he looks like he's afraid of women, because he's already taken. Awww... Honestly, from the bottom of my heart, I'm very dissappointed, but at the same time relieved that he still likes women. Hehe... Girl, whoever you are, whatever your name is... You are very lucky to have him. He's cute, kind, warm and everything and everything else... You better treat him right or else I'll smack you in the head! Ho ho... Peace! Ok, it's now 1.28am and I'm screwed for the lack of sleep for these past few weeks. I hope this blog is useful.

Maybe not.

Bexie the Lady who doesn't cry wolf.

Only You Can

You stole my heart without realizing it
You conquered my heart in many different ways
Millions of flatters that I've ever felt
But never been touched by them, nobody impresses me

But everything is different
When you are here with me
Mesmerizing me always (in my heart)...

Only you can (make me feel)
Make me crazily delirious (for you)
Making me fall in love
Because no one will never be like you

Many times I've tried
To turn to other beautiful creatures
But I have never felt if I
As wonderful as making love with you.

*the song 'Hanya Kamu yang Bisa' is beautiful in english too*

Dedicated to Christian ;)

Inspirations that comes from the heart

I do have this intuition about certain things.

I love being inspired, especially by someone that means a lot to me. I don't remember when I started to feel all unfocused and all, but certainly I've grown to make lots of ideas through drawings and words because of it.
This happened about 100years ago when I used to like N, the porn guy, I mean, the arse hole. Every time he would be walking passed me or doing something, I would watch him from afar, and imagining what it would be like to draw the contour of his body. Did couple of sketches, a few comic strips that made fun of him, at the same time, so in luuuurve with him (mind me, I think it was called 'Obsession') and until now, weirdly, I still think I got the hots for him...Not as much as before, but he was worth to look at.

Then comes this other guy, but even though I was totally, madly, crazy about him, somehow, I don't really feel the 'scar' of liking him anymore. I should still have that feeling because I always do!

Now, after a long time waiting, here comes B. He's HOT, **** so well, and looks like he's totally a sweetheart. I'm totally smitten by him...Aaaahhhh.....!
But...(of course there's always a but) I don't know him...Haha. He's in a **** and I fell for him when watching him **** ... On Tv (tsk! Typical of me). I mean, sure anytime I could meet him, if I wanted to. I've added his friend on a friendship website, and asked a couple of questions about B. But yet...It's still different when you don't even know the guy. Weird. I am, that is.
Suddenly, I'm beginning to write lyrics. Yeah, freaking 6 songs in total, 3 in english and 3 in Indonesian...And it's all because I am so fucked up by being restless on wanting to meet him in person.
Gotta admit, when I began to develop feelings about this guy (oh gawd! not feelings..) I actually said to myself "I'm sooo going to marry this guy". And every single day I did pray to God, that he is the ONE.

Then God showed me some signs, love Him because of that, but concerned at the same time. In a week time after all those foolish yet hope-it-would-come-true wishes, I began to know more about him.
He's got a different belief, and looks like he's a total faith believer, then came the hardest part. That's because I'm soo fucking curious about things. I found out that he doesn't like my species. Yup. That blew the shiiiT out of me. I wasn't thrilled when I found out about it. In fact, my curiosity grew bigger. And that is why, I wrote those darn songs.

Not all the songs are about him. It's about many things. From realizing your boyfriend is gay to starting a beautiful relationship with the person who taught you about love. Aaaaarrrgghhh....What becomes of me????

Basically, I still can't stop thinking about B. I think I might write more songs inspired by him. That's good. At least, I get to do something else than my present job. Totally into writing lyrics and loving it.